Sunday, 16 November 2014

Down but not out

The trick is to remind myself that I am telling myself I am miserable and I need to stop telling myself that I am. It’s getting in the way of my plans for world domination. That and the harsh reality of the situation. That thousands of swipes right on Badoo and Tinder later nobody is interested. It’s actually odd that NOBODY is interested. Ok, yes, somebody 5555 miles away on Tinder swiped right but a swipe is what? You need a lot- typically speaking- to convert one of them into a date. Essentially I am unwanted goods, a member of the underclass. I think my mother has hit on this slightly more poetically but no less truthfully by describing me as a caterpillar. A 39 year old caterpillar, that has not yet morphed into a butterfly. And perhaps I am. When the chemical balance is right in my head it all seems like everything is going to plan, when I’m feeling down it seems all too obvious that the situation is stark and getting more so by the day.
Being unemployed with little contact with the outside world is a blessing and a curse for the writer. I have time to write but time I should be spending writing is haunted by loneliness, a lack of self esteem and worries about the future. Also far too much time reading crap on the internet and checking my phone for social media updates. And I worry too about my ability as a writer. Ok, so I can write but can I actually write stuff that anybody wants to pay to read? The answer, at present, has to be no as this blog costs nothing to read and nobody is reading it anyway. But it might be yes if I improve as a writer, or write more or get the necessary breaks. I don’t know, because the future is a genuine unknown.
It’s a darn shame I wasn’t wearing my writer’s hat enough when I was in China. I should have been taking copious notes. I would occasionally scrawl rants and fantasies in notebooks and that is all I have alongside the memories, which are far from perfect. I’m hoping that as I start to write I’ll remember more things. Ok but enough of that and the frustration of being single and what-have-you. I’m going to pull myself together and go down to Morrisons.

Thursday, 6 November 2014


I went to see my GP today (Thursday).  She is really lovely, still a trainee.  Actually I think all my female GPs I’ve ever had going back to the lovely one I had in Deptford through to the lovely ones I had in Farnham to the now lovely one I have in Margate have been ultra lovely.  Women are very good at the holistic approach.  Is that sexism?  I guess some men are too.   We had a very long chat, longer than I think I’ve ever chatted.  I thought the NHS was supposed to be on the verge of collapse and was happy to just explain my situation hurriedly (I never got my prescription back in Sept) and scarper but she seemed very chatty and is-there-anything-else-I-can-help-you-with.  I wonder if that is her, her training or the enthusiasm of someone fresh into their career. 

Monday, 3 November 2014

Washing up crisis

In my view, time appears to go faster as you get older not merely because a unit of time is a relatively smaller fraction of what you have experienced with each passing second. No, it's because your brain gets slower. In my case, things are reaching a crisis point. I just cannot seem to do the washing up in anything like a reasonable time frame. I think that's partly because my brain is slow and also because I can't focus on one thing. The Maths, the Chemistry, the novel, the film, the Fiverr gigs, the football, the guitar and more besides. If you ask me how I want it all to end, I just want to live in a nice hotel room with a nice suitcase and whatever will fit inside that. The proliferation of stuff I buy on Ebay, the thousand schemes I dream up, the unfinished's all a drag TBH. But it's not just that. It's that unemployment is its own little death. It's like I'm living in a pot of glue and moving in slow motion across the lounge...
But you don't want to hear that. You want to know about my success. About that all I can say is maybe I should start buying lottery tickets. I must be the most left swiped man on Tinder. I must be because bar a woman living 5555 miles away and another one who enjoys welding I've not done well. I've come out of the closet and signed up with Large for a month, tho.